When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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