On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
