thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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