I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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