Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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