now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
