They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
