so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
