peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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