dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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