So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
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The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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