Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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