No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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