Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
