Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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