He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
