Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
