It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
