it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
