True but thats because hes a fetus.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she pinky promised me she was 18
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
