Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
