Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
