fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i dont even know how to be here
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
