Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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