Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
