I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
