You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
