let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
