we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
