matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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