Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
