i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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