Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
