The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
MIDGETS
????
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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