This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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