I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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