Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize