Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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