you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
