Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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