I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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