State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
