Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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