I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
