Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
