i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
