Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
