Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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