Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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