Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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