dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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