look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
3 2 1 whiskey
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
