I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
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I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
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They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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