Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
