I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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