i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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