I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
