I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
