I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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