Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize