Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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