I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
