trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
